Saturday, May 12, 2012

Going Insane

I often think that I do a pretty good job of managing life as a SAHM. I like cooking and being with my kids. I don't love cleaning so much, but I've just decided that while my kids are little my house will never be as clean as I want it to be as often as I want it to be that clean. And I'm ok with that; as long as toilets are clean and nobody's eating dead bugs off the floor, we'll all survive. I manage to keep the laundry and diapers washed and folded and meals cooked, and most days Lane doesn't watch more than an hour of television, we get to go to the park, and sometimes I'm even brave and bust out the art supplies.

But then life happens, or Shannon leaves town, and I can barely keep my head above water. Shannon left on business this past Sunday and will return tomorrow. This entire week I've been falling into bed at 11 p.m. or later due to laundry, emails that have to be written, mistakes (not mine) that need to be made right (more on those later), food that needs to be cooked/frozen/prepared, needing to take a shower (which has become an evening ritual while daddy's gone), needing to pump, Skype calls, and so on.

Noel has been waking up at 3 a.m. for the past three nights, completely soaked through her diaper, awake, and not wanting to go back to sleep without nursing. And she learned how to roll from her back to her belly, so for the first three days this week I did almost nothing except roll her back to her back, because of course she wanted to practice rolling, but her muscles weren't strong enough to support her head for very long and she'd start crying the instant she got to her belly. I got nothing done until yesterday when she started to be able to go for 10-15 minutes at a time on her belly.

Lane's been getting a new molar (she only gets them when Shannon's gone, apparently) and cranky. And disobedient. One day this week was so rough that I forgot to put a diaper on her before bedtime. The first words out of her mouth the next morning were, "Mama, wet." to which I responded by looking for her diaper which I'd assumed she took off in the middle of the night, only to find that I never put one on her.

Lane has reached that stage of toddlerhood that just makes you want to pull your hair out because she just talks all. the. time. And I could handle her talking all the time, it's just that she repeats the same things over and over and over and over again. "Look at dis, mama. Look at dis, mama. Look at dis, mama." Over and over and over until I want to scream at her, "I SEE IT!!!!" I love her to death but can't wait until she's capable of thinking about something besides the same exact topic we've been discussing for the past, oh, week!

Who knew that these two cuties could make a mama want to pull her hair out as often as I have this past week!

This week has about done me in. I've been trying to put out a million fires and keep up with all the other normal stuff, like laundry and emails, and just haven't been very successful at it all. I feel like a major failure as a parent this week, even though I've tried to not be a stick-in-the-mud and we have done some fun stuff. I just feel horrible every time I lose my temper or raise my voice because I've told Lane for the thousandth time not to climb the rack in the kitchen (or the couches, or the cabinets, or the washing machine, or the radiators) and she keeps doing it anyways and then I have to spank her. And I'm just frustrated with why doesn't she obey me when she knows what the consequences are going to be?!?!

Anyways, I guess all of this is just a cry of frustration. I'm just tired and tired of the boring, monotonous repetition that is my life these days, some just normal (laundry, cook dinner, go to the park), and some drive-me-insane ("Sit down, Lane!" "Don't climb [insert-anything-here], Lane!" "Don't hit mama, Lane." "Don't throw toys, Lane!"). Someone out there please tell me that toddlers do eventually learn how to behave without their bottoms being spanked a gazillion times...I'm getting desperate over here!


  1. These days will pass, and although I have been away from my daughter for the past 8+ months, I understand and feel the same way. You are an amazing mom, so brave to be doing all of that while living in a foreign country without all of the support systems that so many others have. Your daughters are beautiful, spirited and SO lucky to have such a Godly woman as their mom. Hang in there Michelle, hoping Shannon will be home soon!


  2. I promise they do learn. You remember this from your college studies: toddlers are impulsive and have less self-control (temptation to climb is more powerful than fear of consequences) and learn best by repetition. It DOES get better...little by little. Ava is easier at 3 than at 2...but now I have attitude and talking back to deal with.

  3. Oh Michelle. I don't know what life with a toddlers like...yet. But I do know about the monotony of being a SAHM, especially with no family nearby. And I know about feeling like a rotten parent. Just know that I admire you. I truly do. Your girls are blessed to have you as their mommy. You're doing a great job. I'm praying for you!

  4. Praying for you. Days like this are really hard. Elias repeats things over and over again too. It is very annoying. And everything is harder with little sleep. Hang in there, it'll get better or at least hard in a different way. ;)

  5. Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, but I’m glad to see you posting again! I know what you mean about Lane repeating the same thing over and over again; my nephew Eli’s favorite word for the past two years (he’s almost 5) has been “why?” and I want to scream every time I hear it! I’m not around him now, so I don’t know if he’s grown out of it yet, but I hope Lane moves on to something else faster than he does!

  6. So seriously, these nitty gritty ugly parenting moments are where the gospel shines most clearly to us! And causes us to actually FEEL how desperate we are for mercy and how desperate our littles are for mercy too...and that's a good thing! Because usually we are living under the illusion of our control/success/independence. It's a mercy to see how large a savior is actually needed for us in this job of mommyhood. But it's also a sweet grace these days don't come too often or they'd weigh on us :) Please know you and your kids sound TOTALLY normal!!! Just wait till the 8 and 6 yr olds are bickering, the preschooler's singing at the top of her lungs and the baby's about to starve of Love you these days right along side you even thought we aren't down the street from eachother!


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